Akwardly ever after

I've come to realise that I always have to feel akward. I can't stand being comfortable, I can't stand how bland life is when I know what's happening, I can't ever feel settled. I guess that's why I'm always just that little bit weird, like how I don't mind my bowl cut, or that day I thought it would be fun to dress as a lesbian, or how much I loved it how people hated my red hair.

I can't stand to feel normal, or fully part of the group.

Recently, well actually not so recently, I departed from the longest relationship I've ever been in, with every girl's definition of the perfect guy. I was feeling so comfortable with him; everything was predictable and like our future was mapped out, and like we'd all live happily ever after. I really couldn't stand this, even though it is what he wanted. I'm not proud for how much I hurt him, but I'm not one for subtlety, so when it came to breaking up, it wasn't as gentle as it probably should have been.

In that relationship, which was all predictable and secure and such, he treated me like a princess, like every girl wants (or so I'm told). In a relationship that keeps me guessing, that keeps feeling complicated and exciting, I get treated like shit. The guy will never buy me flowers or write songs, and he will probably cheat on me, then break my heart, and I'll end up broken to pieces.

Why don't guys ever chase me? It is always me doing the chasing. I decided a little while ago to stop chasing, and to let things come to me. So far I'm left alone.